ON FAMILY ~ A Very Special Sunset...

When I looked out the little plastic window on our plane ride to North Carolina, I saw the sun setting from a different perspective and wondered if that was the way my grandmother would watch sunsets from now on.

My grandmother died a few weeks ago at the age of 87. She lived a long life, surrounded by friends and family. But her quality of life the last several years was a burden to her spirit. I know that her strong faith prepared her for death and that she welcomed the peace. I believe that she spent her recent years preparing everyone else for that. But we would remind her of what she loved in life and though our intent was to make her happy to be here, I think sometimes it made her sad that she couldn't be a full part of it.

The dialysis that she took several times a week allowed her to feel pretty decent once or twice a week. The rest of the time, not so much. I got to see her back in the fall on a vacation designed specifically to see her. Oh sure, we made the rounds visiting relatives on both sides of the family - doing all kinds of fun things. But in my heart, the reason for the trip was to see a grandmother who always took the time to send me chocolate oatmeal cookies - a grandmother I hadn't taken the time to visit in 7 years.

I found a lady who was tired but happy to hug and share details about all of her children and grandchildren's lives. She had friends stopping by to drop off delicious food that fit her dietary restrictions. She had a son teasing her to make her smile while he cared for her health. And she had her same spot in the armchair with the afghan she crocheted, her prized bible and address book on the table next to her, and a clear path to her kitchen - where she did her good works.

She lamented that she could no longer write letters - that she always found the time to send me growing up far away from her. But that she still loved to receive them (hint, hint). She was her feisty self a few days later when all the family nearby gathered in her home to say hello for our visit and to celebrate my cousin's birthday. She teased, told jokes, clever stories and shared favorite memories. That was a good day. The last time I saw her.

So when she died and caught us all a bit off guard several weeks ago, I did not arrive in time to attend the wake. We gathered in her home with everyone after visiting hours instead. This was fine with me because viewings disturb me. I do not like to have my last visual memory of a loved one be replaced by death in a casket. Deceased people in caskets do not look peaceful or beautiful to me. They look dead and cold and alone.

Therefore, I don't go to wakes. And although I find funeral services comforting, I don't take part in any up close viewing before the service. But that doesn't mean my grief isn't personal. I like to remember my grandmother in her chair, the way I left her in the fall. And I liked having her entire family gathered under her roof in her honor, with the spot in her chair filled with her daughter and great-granddaughter when I first saw it without her. And I like that she shared that different perspective of the sunset from above with me while we were flying to her funeral, while everyone else was looking at her casket. She always did understand that we all have our own way of handling things. Thanks Grandma.