Image courtesy Deemonita via Flikr
This is not really a sports post, but rather, a personality post. One to examine my behavior and that internal battle that wages within all of us regarding accusations, beliefs and perception. It just so happens to stem from a sports related instance and I don't have another tag to file it under. So there you go. Please read on to help me through my thoughts here.
I had a very confrontational encounter this week with a member of our online Fantasy Baseball League - a league that has since dissolved due to this public spat. I have already told the tale of my inaugural victory this year in that league which came with a payoff to the winner. The problem was that the Commissioner of this league did not provide his payment. He came in second. To a girl. A girl whose follow-up messages for payment were ignored. So I did what I knew would create a response. I went public.
After a month, I sent a broadcast message to the league to let them know that the person in charge had not provided his portion of the pot like they all had. Well. It worked. He paid up. At a cost.
I got paid. But I also got a very nasty, personal attack via e-mail from the Commish accusing me of cheating, lying and being a nag (to phrase things politely here). Which I then responded to and forwarded back to all the other managers in the league. This exposure led to a gradual resignation from the league by everyone - it appears they too were fed up with the Commissioner's bullying and abrasive tactics that had reared their ugly head at other moments throughout the season.
The accusations went on and on all afternoon. I was continually attacked and my words were misrepresented. I countered back with a strong defense of and response to each one. Even when it became evident that I had the backing of 9 other people, a 9-1 verdict, I couldn't just sit back and take it. I couldn't stand to have lies put out there - even though no one else believed them. I spent a lot of energy trying to convince a crazy person to believe my truth.
Crazy people can't believe anyone else's truth. To try to convince them is an effort in futility. My continued defense served no purpose other than to clog up all the other parties' e-mail in-box and fuel further anger within the person I was trying to prove my point to.
So why was it so hard to stop? Why couldn't I turn the other cheek? Why couldn't I just take it, knowing everyone else was laughing at the falsehoods spewed by him? Pride. That's why. I take pride in who I am. I like people to know that I disagree with the same immoral issues they do. That I'm the good guy.
Gah - it takes more restraint than I will ever have to buck up and keep it zipped in moments of adversity. To know when the instinct you have could cause harm further down the road if expressed immediately.
I do not have regrets for the silly spat that I took part in this week. Because I know that I was right. I was dealing with a crazy person after all. But I hate that I couldn't let it go. To not take it personally. To find a way to place my energy elsewhere. Because I am stubborn. I am outspoken. I am not always right. But I am never untruthful. And I can't help but react when that is attacked. God help me if I am ever accused of an untruth in the serious aspects of our world.